The Alcohol Addiction That Destroyed Me for 4 years

alcohol addiction is a serious problem.

WARNING! this post contains images of alcohol that some may find triggering.

Post Updated: November 9, 2023

My alcohol addiction lasted about 4 years.

I wanted to be the cool and classy social media mom who rewarded herself with a glass of wine after a long day of being a mother.

I thought I had my drinking under control and I desperately wanted to believe that so bad.

my hope is that by sharing my personal alcohol addiction story, it will help someone who is struggling.

You deserve a sober life.

My History with Alcohol

I started drinking alcohol around 16. Once I turned 21 and could legally drink, I would rarely go out of my way to have a drink.

People called me boring for not drinking, but I didn’t care.

When I went away to college, I began drinking every weekend. Most students did not have class on Fridays so that meant the weekend started on Thursday. 

For us, Thursdays were sacred days to party and drink. Friday and Saturday were bonus days.

I started to notice that liquid courage brought me out of my shell, so why wouldn’t I want to drink to feel like the person I really wanted to be.

Outgoing, fun, fearless, and happy. 

Once I graduated college and returned home, I began working a 9-5 job. I would NEVER drink during the week unless I knew I didn’t have work the next day. 

But you can bet your ass I opened a bottle come 5:30pm on Friday once I was home from work! It’s a normalized activity for most working adults.

Come home mentally drained from a long week at work and reward yourself with a glass, or 3, of your choice of alcohol. 

To my surprise, I wouldn’t drink much. I would have a glass or two and call it a night. 

Then I got pregnant in early 2017. Like any sensible pregnant woman, I stopped drinking. 

I joked about how I couldn’t wait to give birth so I could treat myself to a glass of wine, but I was determined to breastfeed so I honestly didn’t have any intention of drinking at all after giving birth.

What Started My Alcohol Addiction

When I came to the heartbreaking realization that I could not breastfeed my daughter because my body couldn’t produce enough milk, that’s when I started drinking heavy.  

I was suffering from postpartum depression. Add alcohol to that mix and you have a recipe for disaster.

When my daughter started sleeping through the night, I took advantage of this blessing by drinking almost every night. 

Saturdays were especially triggering for me. Her father would go out with his friends and I would be left alone at home with the baby. 

I would patiently wait until he left, put the baby to sleep, and open a bottle of wine. This was my me time.

The courage I got from drinking was in my eyes the good side of alcohol. It brought me out of my shell and made me more outgoing and fun, or so my drunk self thought.

It’s all fun and games until you reach a point where you drink too much and it takes you into a deep dark hole.

That’s the ugly side of drinking. 

The side where you try and drown your thoughts, feelings, emotions, and depression. The side that will destroy you without you even realizing it.

Drinking was a temporary escape to numb the feelings that I was not strong enough to face sober.

I was not only dealing with postpartum depression, but seasonal depression and anxiety as well.

Alcohol was a bandaid for these issues but also making these issues worse.

One glass would slowly turn into half a bottle, half a bottle turned into finishing an entire bottle. Then if that wasn’t enough, I would start opening a second bottle. 

The dark pit of alcohol addiction

One night in particular I will never forget. It was a Saturday in November of 2017, I was home alone with the baby. 

I waited until she was asleep and proceeded to open a bottle of wine.

As I became more intoxicated, the music I was listening to just kept digging deeper into me and I was getting in my feelings. 

I was brewing with anger that I reached a breaking point and just started sobbing.

At that time I couldn’t seem to understand why I was so sad, not realizing I was suffering from postpartum depression. 

I felt broken, defeated, worthless; like there was not a single soul on this earth who could understand the pain I was going through. 

Then baby woke up!

In that moment, I was instantly snapped back into reality. I quickly tended to her and tried to put her back to sleep.

I knew I couldn’t keep doing that to myself or to my child.

After that night, I told myself that I couldn’t keep drinking like that but every attempt to stop was short lived.

I Tried to Stop Drinking, but Failed Each Time

A month before my birthday in March of 2018, I told myself I was going to give up alcohol for 30 days in an attempt to lose weight.

To my surprise, I didn’t lose ANY weight so I was convinced alcohol wasn’t the problem (but it was one of them). 

It was a well needed reset for my mind and body and I loved how I felt after, but I started drinking again. 

I was able cut back drastically on my drinking.

I wasn’t drinking to get drunk, I was drinking to enjoy myself and have a good time. 

Some nights I did drink a little too much, but the only negative from it was a hangover the next morning that I knew would eventually go away.

The best was when I would tell myself that I was going to have a glass of wine and end up not drinking at all because I wasn’t in the mood to drink.

This brief period was the prelude to my alcohol addiction and I didn’t even know it.

the vicious cycle of Alcohol addiction started all over again.

One glass turned into half a bottle, half a bottle to an entire bottle…

Every time I would drink it was a personal challenge to see just how drunk I could get. How much can my body handle THIS TIME. 

Every morning I would regret it and and tell myself I needed to stop drinking. But once the hangover was gone, I proceeded to drink again.

This continued for 4 years.

I reached a very dark point with alcohol where I questioned if I was becoming an alcoholic. 

Short answer: yes, I was.

That was not a title I wanted to carry around, I did not want to be like the alcoholics I knew. 

What I wanted was to be a normal mother who would drink on occasion and be able to handle her liquor and not drink herself into oblivion.

Mommy wine culture also made me feel like I HAD to drink because it’s what every mother does right?

I started doing dry January as a way to reset my drinking, but I would always go back to my old ways.

I would even give up drinking for Lent and once that was over I would go right back to drinking.

There were a lot of emotions and feelings that I was masking with alcohol and wasn’t addressing.

I had to fix the root of the problem.

In my heart, I truly didn’t think I had a problem with alcohol. 

I wanted to be in control of my drinking and wanted to be able to enjoy it like normal people.

January 2020 I gave up drinking once again. It went great but started drinking after the month was over.

The Covid Pandemic Made My Alcohol Addiction Worse

Then came March of 2020. You already know…

The world literally shut down and everyone was stuck at home. So what did I do? Drink.

Every.

Single.

Day.

Once restrictions were lifted and people were going out more, I started going out and drinking.

One night I went out and drank myself into complete oblivion and thought I was fine to drive home, I was not.

I was almost home when I dosed off and hit the curb and popped my tire.

I could have been pulled over and gotten a DWI, I could have died that night, or I could have hit somebody and killed them!

But that wasn’t enough to stop me from drinking.

I still questioned if I had a problem with alcohol, but I brushed it off and told myself I could always stop if I wanted to.

By no means was I an alcoholic, I didn’t physically need alcohol to survive.

I was however, in denial. The thought of giving up alcohol for good crossed my mind, but I couldn’t see a life without it. 

It made me who I am, it gave me confidence, why on earth would I give that up?!

I used to see sober people online and think wow how pathetic!

They can’t control their drinking so they had to give it up, not realizing that I was on that same path to self destruction.

In January of 2021 I did dry January again, but this time I told myself I was going to give up alcohol for 100 days.

I felt amazing! My mind was clear, my body was functioning optimally, and I was even losing weight!

I asked myself if I could stop drinking completely at this point, but I wasn’t ready to give it up. 

Once my 100 days were over, I started drinking yet again. 

From April to September, I drank the most I ever have.

My life was crumbling right before me and the only thing that brought me comfort was alcohol.

The hangovers were getting worse and lasting 2 days, I was blacking out every single time I drank no matter how much I drank. 

Hangxiety became a thing that I experienced often and it was probably one of the worst feelings right after tremors. 

But nothing was enough to stop me from drinking.

I would sit in the kitchen listening to music and a jamming session would gradually turn into a sobbing session on the kitchen floor.

I felt so alone, I just wanted to be happy.

When I would tell people how unhappy I was they would say, “Have you thought about getting a hobby?” And it would just piss me off.

Gee, why didn’t I think of that before? Of course I thought about getting a hobby! Don’t you think I tried?!

Nothing brought me joy but that bottle of wine that I could not give up.

I Was in full alcohol addiction and it Was Time to Consider Quitting Alcohol

Honestly, I don’t know if people really knew the severity of my drinking problem, but if they did, nobody intervened to stop me.

I was silently dying inside and nobody knew.

They just enjoyed drunk Sofia because she was always down to drink and have a good time.

At this point, I was in full blown alcohol addiction.

My life was falling apart, I was frying my brain and literally killing my body.

I desperately NEEDED to stop, I just didn’t know how. 

September 12, 2021 was the last day I drank. 

i declared that september 13, 2021 was the day i stop drinking for good, and i have been sober since. 

Click HERE to read about the real reason why I Finally stopped drinking.